In the Key of Genius

I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

Against all odds, Derek Paravicini developed an extraordinary skill for playing the piano. Born premature, the treatments that saved his life also left him blind. Learning disabilities that left him largely non-verbal in his formative years also made teaching him a challenge. In the Key of Genius is his story as told by his lifelong piano teacher, Adam Ockelford.

After Derek’s mother had already had several miscarriages, she was not hopeful that her premature twins would survive. After labor, the doctors laid aside both children, assuming they were dead. When a faint crying was heard from one of them, they jumped into action, saving Derek’s life. Unfortunately, the oxygen therapy they used to save his labored breathing caused him to lose his eyesight. The family had a woman they called Nanny help with Derek’s extensive care needs. Realizing his need for playthings with sound, Nanny moved a keyboard into the nursery. By the time he was two, Derek’s seemingly aimless playing turned into music. Members of the family began to recognize the tunes he was playing. They were amazed by the skills this toddler displayed in front of a keyboard.

“How could it be that this little boy, just over two years old, totally blind, virtually unable to speak and apparently able to understand very little of what was going on in the world, had taught himself to play the keyboard – something that she couldn’t even do herself?”

Adam Ockelford

When it came time for Derek to begin attending school, he visited Linden Lodge School for the Blind in London, where he met Adam (the author). Although Derek did not attend Linden Lodge for a couple more years, Adam began to tutor him. Derek’s unique mix of disabilities made him a challenge to teach, but Adam wanted to nurture his natural musical abilities. Despite some hesitancy from his mother, Derek took his first major concert at the age of nine. He received opportunities to appear on TV and in documentaries. As Derek outgrew Adam’s scope of abilities, Adam helped find tutors to stretch him. Adam helped Derek grow into the gifted pianist he is today. Derek now travels around the world and performs for varied audiences.

Derek had an incredible genius for music.

Although there is sheet music with raised notes so that those who are blind can read it, Derek listened to songs and then reproduced them from hearing alone. He learned them over long periods of time, filling in the pieces as he became more familiar with them. Once the song was in his long term memory, he could recall it to perform for listeners. Derek memorized thousands of songs, all of which he learned by ear only.

Derek’s disabilities only made what he accomplished musically more extraordinary.

Without any of his disabilities, his musical accomplishments are extraordinary. If a person with perfect sight and no learning disabilities learned to play the way he did, they would be praised for their talent. Adam Ockelford stresses throughout the book that Derek is not a “blind pianist” but a “pianist who is blind.” Leading with his gifts instead of his weaknesses is important.

Derek and Adam’s story reminded me of the importance of long-term mentoring.

At the point of publication, Adam had been mentoring Derek for nearly two decades. He was not just Derek’s piano teacher, but a dear friend to the family who helped Derek in all areas of his life. Adam helped position Derek’s career as a concert pianist. He worked with Derek through very turbulent years. When Nanny grew ill, he took Derek to visit her for the last time and then helped him after her death.

While I certainly won’t mentor someone into becoming a concert pianist, being a mentor like Adam is something I have a strong desire to do. Pouring into the life of another person and nurturing them to be their very best could add richness to my life. I have mentored some students over shorter periods. But the idea of mentoring someone over a period of years, or decades even, is exciting. The potential for growth on both our parts is extraordinary. There would be challenges, but the growth would be worth it.

Quick Review:

This was a great story with good writing. It was a quick read, which was especially nice after reading a few longer books. While there was some heavier content, there was also a lot of humor sprinkled in, keeping the pace and the tone of the book overall easy to read. My only real complaint were a few strange features in the writing, like several places where the author used two of the same word in a row, like “that that.” Other than that, it was well-written and enjoyable.

Do you have a mentor? Do you mentor someone? Share your stories below!

A Daughter’s Deadly Deception

I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

After her father discovered her habitual lying, Jennifer Pan orchestrated the murders of her father and mother in a home invasion. What she didn’t expect was for her father to survive the attack and bear witness to the fact that she seemed to know their attackers. Jeremy Grimaldi writes about Jennifer Pan’s lies, murder plot, and undoing in A Daughter’s Deadly Deception.

A Daughter's Deadly Deception by Jeremy Grimaldi

The product of a Vietnamese immigrant family, Jennifer Pan was pushed to excel at everything she put her hand to. After school she was expected to participate in extracurricular activities that would allow her to expand her skill set. She was gifted at piano and enjoyed ice skating. After not winning any recognition for her achievements at her eighth grade graduation, Jennifer was crushed. Failing to see the point in trying as hard as she had before, she let her grades slip in ninth grade. Rather than facing her parents with the truth, she began forging her report cards.

What started as forged report cards eventually turned into a forged college career. Dedicated to keeping up the lie that she was attending school, she went to the library every school day to research and write down notes in case her father asked to look at them. During these college years, she convinced her parents to let her live with a friend closer to campus so that she did not have to commute. Instead of staying with her friend, though, she used these nights off to work at a pizza parlor and stay with her boyfriend, Daniel. She used this freedom to build up her relationship with him. Then she spent the weekends with her parents, pretending she had been at school all week. Eventually, her father discovered her falsehoods and forced her to break off her relationship with Daniel and move home until she finished her education.

Jennifer Pan took lying to an extreme.

At an age when some students might be thinking about forging a signature, she was forging entire report cards. The effort she put into keeping up the lie that she was getting her education may have been more work than it would have been for her to go back to school. However, she instead chose to continue to lie and cover up her earlier failures. Her behavior during interrogation suggests that she may have even believed some of her own lies.

Jennifer’s desire to be with Daniel likely contributed to the murder of her parents.

When Jennifer’s father had her break off the relationship with Daniel, Daniel moved on. Heartbroken by his betrayal, it is suspected that she began sending anonymous texts to his phone. These texts threatened Jennifer’s safety, effectively manipulating Daniel into spending more time talking to Jennifer. However, even these texts did not garner the attention she desired from him.

Jennifer and Daniel had an extended phone conversation before any of the planning of the murder began. After that, Jennifer began texting him constantly. Eventually he agreed to help her plan the murder of her parents, something that would inevitably tie them together. In the weeks between that phone call and the murder, all of the texts between Jennifer, Daniel, and the other conspirators show plenty of evidence of their planning. Some of Jennifer’s final texts in the days leading up to the murder of her parents hint at the fact that she is greatly concerned over whether Daniel will choose her or his new girlfriend when her parents are out of the picture.

I was most moved by the victim impact statements.

It is hard to find places to relate in books like these. I absolutely love true crime books because of how interesting they are. But I find it difficult to find areas where I feel emotionally connected to the people I am reading about. I often feel sad for the families of those who were murdered. But in reality, true crime books often focus on the murderer. They speculate about reasons why the murder occurred. That makes it difficult for me to connect emotionally with the majority of the book when the majority of the book is analyzing the mind of a killer. I mean, I’ve never murdered anyone. So what is there to relate to?

While I didn’t relate to them, I was deeply moved by the victim impact statements from Jennifer’s father and brother. Four years after the murder of Jennifer’s mother, her father is still in constant pain. He cannot work or enjoy hobbies he once did. His house cannot be sold because the Vietnamese community is superstitious about buying a house where someone has been killed. Her brother had difficulty finding work because whenever a potential employer Googled his name, details of the crime were the first results. He also struggled with how to relate to friends in the midst of his grief. Seeing the varied and severe ways that this crime impacted them was eye-opening and emotional for me. They did not only lose a mother to death and a sister to prison, but their lives were altered in ways I cannot even begin to imagine.

Quick Review:

Although I enjoyed this book, the writing was mediocre. It was an interesting story, and I feel the author did an adequate job of tackling the complexities of the case. Unfortunately, some of the writing was unclear. In some areas where brackets were used to change quotes to add clarity, they were unnecessary or used ineffectively. Overall, though, I would still recommend this book. It gives an interesting look at how extreme pressure without parental affection may have caused one woman to murder.

What did you find most fascinating about Jennifer Pan’s case?

10 Questions to Ask before Getting Married

Are you thinking about getting engaged or married soon? Inspired by Courtney Robertson’s book I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends and some of my own experiences in dating, I decided to compile a list of questions to ask your significant other before taking the next big step in your relationship.

Some of the following questions are directly inspired by Courtney Robertson, and others are inspired by my own experience. While I am by no means saying your marriage is doomed if you do not ask them, knowing where you each stand on these issues will prevent any surprises from cropping up down the road.

1. What are your religious views?

For many people, religion is an important part of life. While it is likely you will know the religious views of your partner by the time you reach engagement, it is important to make sure there is clarity on what those views are before you go any further. While religious views may end up changing during the course of a relationship, knowing where you stand going into marriage is important.

2. What are your political views?

I would love to say it is as easy as asking what party they usually vote for in elections. Unfortunately, there is so much variety within each party that it is important to ask what political issues are important to your partner. If one of you is very interested in political activism while the other doesn’t vote at all, that may be an issue that needs to be talked through. Even if you have very similar views, it is likely you will find differences. Making sure you can differentiate between small differences you can live with and philosophical differences you cannot is something you will be wiser to do before you get married.

3. Is your career or future career compatible with mine?

This question is probably not applicable for many people. However, in some cases it can be a major question with serious implications if the answer is “no.” Because I am a female called to be a minister, this question was at the top of my list when I was dating seriously. Unfortunately, it ruled some people out. When I was dating my husband and asked him if my being a pastor would be a problem, he answered something along the lines of, “My mom’s a pastor, so no.” Conflicts other couples may face are jobs that require moving around like the military, or jobs that require the spouse to be in the spotlight. Even jobs that may not seem to pose any conflict are worth discussing.

4. Do we like each others’ families?

I used to hate when my grandma told me, “When you marry someone, you marry their family.” I hated it so much because it was usually said when I was dating someone whose mother despised me. It felt like her subtle way of telling me my relationship was doomed and I may as well move on. As much as I hated it, though, it is important that you are able to get along with the family of your spouse. While there may be some minor conflicts or even a few family members you don’t like, it is important that you’re able to get along with the people you’ll be spending holidays with.

5. Do you have the same ideas about raising children?

This question opens a whole can of worms. Do you both want children? How soon? One child or more than one? How do you plan to discipline them? Will you home school them or send them to public school? While children may not be on your mind for many years, it is a good idea to make sure you and your partner have the same ideas in this area.

6. How will housework be divided?

While it may just fall into place naturally, making sure you have a discussion on how housework will be divided is important. Will it depend on who is working more hours? Will both spouses take equal amounts of the housework? It is worth a discussion before getting married to avoid any misunderstandings later on.

7. Are we compatible?

Even if you’re in a relationship, it does not mean you’re compatible. In one of my longest-lasting relationships, the main problem we had was that we were completely incompatible. We really cared for each other, but we were different in ways that drove each other crazy. When you take a step back from a relationship and look at it, you can usually see whether or not you’re compatible.

8. Are you addicted to anything?

When you ask this question, your partner may answer with something as benign as caffeine or video games. However, it is important to know if there are addictions like alcohol, drugs, or pornography in your partner’s life. And maybe your partner will tell you he or she is addicted to naps. Guilty! Discussing what addictions you’re okay with and which ones you’re not is important. I’m sure my husband would have liked to have known about the naps before we got married…

9. What do you like to do for fun?

It’s important to have something in common with your significant other beside liking each other. While you may have a good idea what he or she likes at this point, take some time getting to know what all they enjoy doing. Even if you only have one thing you like to do together, make it your thing. My husband and I have very different hobbies. While I love to read and read all the time, he hasn’t read a book in over a year. However, we’ve found that we love watching movies together. We’ve also worked at stretching ourselves to at least try things the other enjoys from time to time so that we can do more together. If you have more hobbies in common with your partner, it may be even easier to find things to do together as the years stretch on.

10. How did your previous relationships end?

We all have our biases when answering this question. But it is good to hear your partner answer it and talk through their previous relationships. If they’ve been significantly hurt by a previous partner, you’ll know. If they were cheated on, you’ll know. Whatever baggage they’re bringing into the relationship, you’ll know. While we all use some degree of “my crazy ex” language, how your partner describes his or her exes will also speak volumes about your partner’s character.

What questions would you add to this list? Leave your feedback in the comment section below.

I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends

I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

If you’re watching Nick’s season of The Bachelor right now, you may find yourself rolling your eyes at Corinne’s antics throughout each episode. She has certainly been painted as this season’s villain. In her memoir I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends, Courtney Robertson gives readers a behind-the-scenes look at The Bachelor and life as one of its villains.

I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends by Courtney Robertson with Deb Baer

When Courtney Robertson began her journey on Ben Flajnik’s season of The Bachelor, she immediately made enemies with the other girls. Although her intentions were to befriend them, her flavor of humor and the unique dynamic of being on The Bachelor created tension. Ultimately, she was there to build a relationship with Ben. She wanted to see where it would lead, and her friendships with the other girls did not take priority. As her relationship with Ben began to blossom, her relationships with the other girls continued to get worse.

“Ben and I mistook the constant drama for passionate love. We had some great moments, but they were flashes of happiness, and quickly came and went.”

Courtney Robertson

After receiving the proposal from Ben, the relationship between Courtney and Ben quickly dissolved. They found that they had no common interests. He enjoyed risk-taking adventures, while she wanted to enjoy quiet mornings relaxing. While those differences could have been worked through, Ben’s lack of support for her goals and her career became a serious problem in their relationship. Their many differences ultimately lead to their breakup.

Courtney Robertson was not as bad as producers made her out to be.

While her memoir may very well be dishonestly painting herself in a better light, I try to give authors the benefit of the doubt. I read with the assumption that what I am reading is at the very least mostly true. From what Courtney has written, it is clear that the producers really put her into the role of a villain once they saw the tension she created in the house. While she was not completely innocent, she was not as bad as she appeared to be.

Creative editing made her look worse.

After a rose ceremony, Ben announced the next destination. When it actually happened, he asked if anyone had been there, and Courtney replied something along the lines of, “I was just there a few months ago.” When that scene aired, the producers had cut out Ben’s question, showing only his announcement of where they were headed, her comment, and shots of all of the other women glaring. They made what was not actually a tense moment look incredibly tense.

She was attempting to be funny, but her humor came at the expense of the other girls.

During her interviews with producers for the show, she often tried to say funny things about the other girls. However, these things were often mean and her humor was not really taken for what it was. When communicating with the other girls, her attempts at humor were often misunderstood.

The dress she wore for the proposal was (mostly) chosen for her.

The women have to provide their own wardrobe for the entire show, up until the proposal. The producers provide the dresses that they will wear for that last episode. Unfortunately for Courtney, that meant she had her choice of about eight dresses, all of which she claims were horrible. The one she ultimately chose made her look like Cruella DeVille. It felt more like a Halloween costume than like a dress to get engaged in. Her costuming for the episode only added to the audience’s perception that she was the villain.

Courtney’s relationship fell apart after the show because of their shallow connection.

Courtney and Ben had very little in common. While they had a lot of passion, once she got past that and made an effort to get to know him, she realized that there were a lot of things that made them incompatible. In addition, she felt that she had been deceived by him on some points.

She felt their lack of shared interests made it difficult to spend time together.

Although they were interested in each other, they did not have things that they enjoyed doing together. He enjoyed going and doing things, while she enjoyed quiet activities at home. While he wanted to be around other people and other couples all of the time, she wanted to spend time alone with him. These differences in how they spent their time together made it difficult for them to enjoy the time they had together.

“It didn’t hit me while it was happening but his choice of activities was a major red flag. These were all things Ben wanted to do and it was incredibly selfish and immature. He never took into consideration that some girls might want to look sexy, not sweaty, wet, and/or scared”

Courtney Robertson

She did not feel that Ben supported her future.

When they had first talked about her being a model, Ben said that it was great. He had given her the impression that her modeling career was okay with him. However, when the cameras stopped rolling, his behavior showed her that he wasn’t okay with her career. He seemed to have problems with her making more money than he did. Other aspects of her career made him feel insecure, and she ultimately had to give up many jobs to appease him.

Quick Review:

I enjoyed this quick, easy read. Despite her raunchiness and language, I found myself liking Courtney. The behind-the-scenes look at The Bachelor and how Courtney became one of its villains makes it a must-read for any Bachelor fan.

If you’re a Bachelor fan, what moments do you think are most edited for maximum drama?

Discussion Topic: Which New Memoir Interests You?

I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

I’m going to review a new release book, and you get to choose which one! While I try to make sure I read a variety of different types of memoirs, I want to make sure I am reading what you want me to read. Below are four new release memoirs. I will read and review whichever memoir receives the most positive feedback.

You Carried Me by Melissa Ohden: Melissa finds out as a teenager that she was rescued from a botched abortion. This is the story of her struggle to forgive, understand, and move forward.
No Wall Too High by Xu Hongci: Xu describes his imprisonment and escape from Mao’s labor reform camps.
Rise by Cara Brookins: Cara uses YouTube videos to build a home for her four children after leaving an abusive marriage. With no experience building anything and only her children to help her, it was an extraordinary challenge.
How to Murder Your Life by Cat Marnell: Cat was an associate beauty editor at a top fashion magazine with a secret addiction to prescription medication. She also suffered from bulimia and insomnia, which threatened to wreck her career.

All of these books sound so interesting to me! Be sure to comment with your preference by February 10 and stay tuned for my review of the “winner” on February 17!

I’ll See You Again

I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

How would you feel if you lost all of your children in a terrible car accident? Jackie Hance suffered extreme suicidal thoughts and periods of anger following the deaths of her three daughters in a car accident. She writes about her grief, her questioning her faith, and moving forward in I’ll See You Again.

I'll See You Again by Jackie Hance with Janice Kaplan

Jackie Hance sent her three daughters with their aunt and uncle on a weekend camping trip. They had enjoyed the same outing so much the previous year that she pushed aside any anxiety she had about being separated from them so that they could have the best summer possible. Beside her anxiety, she had no reason not to trust her in-laws. They had always been extremely trustworthy and the two families were extremely close.

When the girls began their trip back from the campsite, Jackie received a concerned call from one of her daughters. Her daughter told her that there was something “wrong” with her Aunt Diane. Diane, however, took her cell phone. With slurred words, she informed Jackie that everything was fine, and got back on the road. Concerned that her sister-in-law was having a stroke or a seizure while driving, Jackie called the police. Unfortunately, the police were unable to understand the gravity of the situation or organize help until after Diane got onto an off-ramp and drove the wrong way through traffic, eventually causing a head-on collision. She killed herself, her daughter, Jackie’s three daughters, and the three passengers in the other vehicle. The only survivor of the accident was Diane’s young son.

Jackie Hance paints a picture of grief in its rawest form.

There is no way to sugar-coat the grief that Jackie Hance endured. In I’ll See You Again, she refuses to cover up even the ugliest parts of grief. Just over a year after the accident, a neighbor decided to have the annual Halloween party that she cancelled the year before out of sensitivity to Jackie’s situation. Furious that others would move on so fast while she was still in the depths of her grief, she fired off a text saying that while she could understand celebrating Christmas and Easter, a Halloween party was excessive. Her friend kindly responded to her rage, understanding that it was a part of her grief, and Jackie knew that she was overreacting. I admired Jackie’s honesty in sharing even unflattering stories such as that one. It was easy to relate those stories to periods of time in my own life when my grief made me less than graceful.

“I was like a triple amputee–mutilated so severely that others wanted to look away. I felt like an oddity, an aberration, an abomination.”

Jackie Hance

By sharing her story in such an honest and raw way, Jackie helps us to see that it is okay to grieve in a way that is true to ourselves. Jackie had periods of amnesia, finding it difficult to grasp the reality of the accident that claimed her daughters’ lives. She felt extreme anger, often lashing out at her husband. She cried every day. While finding healthy ways to channel those feelings during the grieving process is important, it is also important to make sure to grieve in a way that is natural for us.

She writes about the insufficiency of “easy answers” when dealing with grief.

Soon after losing her children in the accident, the toxicology report showed that Diane was drunk at the time of the accident. Now filled with not only grief, but anger, Jackie seeks out answers. She had never known Diane to drink. Had she known Diane would drink and drive, she wouldn’t have allowed her daughters to go anywhere alone with her. Jackie asked friends, pastors, and counselors how something like this could have happened. None of their answers were sufficient.

“But in the face of numbing grief, platitudes are pointless. They slide off your skin like dewdrops from a leaf. I wasn’t seeking solace–I needed answers.”

Jackie Hance

Because of the press surrounding the accident that claimed the lives of her daughters, some counselors even refused to see Jackie. Feeling abandoned to her grief, Jackie began to seek answers on her own. She read and re-read the toxicology reports. Then she read the medical records of her children, wondering if there was something wrong with them that made them susceptible to dying more easily in an accident. When she exhausted everything and still had no answers, she had to come to terms with the reality that there were no answers. She did everything she could to protect her children and they still died.

She writes about moving forward, despite the grief.

During her grief, Jackie went to such depths of depression that she was suicidal. She did not just have passing thoughts of suicide. Her thoughts focused on suicide. She began to see it as the only way to be reunited with her children. However, because of her Catholic faith, she believed that if she committed suicide she would be in Hell instead of Heaven with her daughters. She begged her husband to kill her so she could be with them. When he refused, she said that she would kill him, so at least their children would have one parent.

“Whatever the degree of loss, you have to fight back, find your own happiness despite it all.”

Jackie Hance

Despite that lowest point, though, Jackie and her husband found a way to move forward. She realized that although she would never really “move on,” she could still resume living her life. With the help of a fertility doctor, she conceived and had another daughter. Although she struggled with the fact that her daughter would not be alive had it not be for the deaths of her other daughters, she also began to realize that she could move on and love her daughter without betraying the love she had for her other daughters. Jackie and her husband fought hard to find a new happiness.

Quick Review:

I’ll See You Again is certainly an emotional book! Although her story gets very dark, the fact Jackie Hance does not sugar-coat the grieving process makes the memoir even better. She does not withhold tough questions about why tragedy happens to good people and children. Her story is a well-written and emotional journey worth taking.

What is the worst “easy answer” you’ve heard during a time of grieving?

Shockaholic

I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

Confession: I did not expect to find myself relating to Carrie Fisher’s Shockaholic as much as I did. After reading and being somewhat critical of The Princess Diarist, I had low expectations for this book. However, after her death, I wanted to read more of her works to find out if I liked her other writings more than The Princess Diarist.

In this book, Carrie Fisher started off writing primarily about her mental health and her experiences with treatments. She reflected upon the way her mental illness made her relate to people, and the treatments that did not work for her. After self-treating her illness with drugs and alcohol for many years, Fisher turns in desperation to electroshock therapy. Although she saw it as a last-ditch effort to be stable, she found that it helped with the bipolar symptoms. Unfortunately it also caused her to have serious difficulties with her memory.

In much of the rest of the book, Fisher mused about those she has lost and death itself. Most significantly, she reflected upon the death of her father. Despite being distant from her most of her life, Fisher gained a closeness with her father during his final years. He moved into an apartment near hers when his health declined so that she would be able to see to his care. His death haunted her in a way that the deaths of her other friends did not.

I found several places of emotional connection with Fisher’s Shockaholic.

Although I did not connect very well with her other book, I found myself finding emotional connections with Shockaholic. I found The Princess Diarist difficult to relate to because of its scattered writing and subject matter. Not having ever had an affair, I had a hard time relating to Fisher in that particular piece. However, in Shockaholic the writing seemed to be a lot more put together. In addition to what seemed to me to be better writing, I found several areas that I could relate to.

I connected with her mental illness.

Just like Fisher, I have bipolar disorder. While the way our disorder presents itself is different, having the same disorder is an easy way to feel connected to a person. The main thing that I found myself relating to, was her treatment. No, I have never undergone electroshock therapy. However, the frustration of feeling forgetful because of the treatment for mental illness is one that I know all too well. Although the medication I am on has done wonders for me (making it so that I do not feel “ill” at all), I have quickly become the most forgetful person I know. I struggle to find things I had in my hand a minute ago (or might still be in my hand). My calendar is a necessary companion, since anything not written down will be quickly forgotten.

I connected with her dysfunctional relationship with her father.

Fisher reflected heavily in her book about her difficult and dysfunctional relationship with her father. She wrote that although it was a difficult relationship, she had a ton of love for him. I found myself reflecting throughout her book on my relationship with my own father. Although the epitome of dysfunctional at times, I cannot help but love him. He’s still my dad. As she described her father’s death and the grief she felt, I could not help but cry. I do not look forward to or want to think about my own dad’s death. No amount of heartache he may have caused makes me wish him dead.

I connected with her grief.

A friend of mine recently died, and I found Fisher’s book to be cathartic for working through my grief. Fisher reflected on the grief she felt at the loss of several friends. She wrote about how she had dreams about them. The world looked different after they were gone. Since my friend’s death, I have had several dreams about her. When I see things I think she’d like, it gives me a pause. Yesterday at the store, I saw a woman who looked so much like her from a distance that it stopped me in my tracks.

“I found myself looking two and three times, again and again, at these glories that I was continuously stumbling across, looking once for myself and once for the one who had gone missing.”

Carrie Fisher

Sadly, my friend is gone. I don’t see her at church like I did before. I try to give her sister-in-law and her niece extra hugs when I see them. An awkward smile for her other family members. Fisher’s book reflected on the memories she had of the friends she lost, and I found myself thinking of the memories I have of my friend’s kindness. I thought of her smile. Her laugh was so genuine. She really was one of the best people I knew, and she really is gone too soon.

Quick Review:

Despite having low expectations for this book, I found myself really enjoying it. Carrie Fisher’s writing was better in this book than in The Princess Diarist, and I connected with its subject matter better. She gave an interesting perspective on mental illness, its treatment, and the way it has impacted her relationships. I recommend it over The Princess Diarist if you’re looking for a Carrie Fisher memoir.

The Dark Side of Memoir Addiction

Memoir addiction can be a lot of fun. There are very few things like the thrill of picking up a book and finding yourself completely lost in another person’s life story. Feeling the rush of emotions and being enchanted by someone else’s excellent writing is an intoxicating feeling. Unfortunately, memoir addiction has a dark side to it as well. Although those pages may seem like a benign use of your time, memoir addiction has a dark underbelly.

Sleep Deprivation

I have learned about sleep deprivation more than any of the other side effects of memoir addiction. From the moment I open up a new memoir and begin reading those first few pages, I find myself unable to resist completing the book as quickly as possible. This often means that I will sacrifice much needed sleep in order to read as much of a book as I can. I often find myself telling my husband, “One more chapter and I’ll go to sleep.” Unfortunately, I do not realize where the chapters have ended and the new ones have begun, and find myself at four in the morning with the book completed. Despite my need to be up early, I will sacrifice sleep to continue reading a memoir I am enjoying.

Regardless of the consequences I may suffer because of lack of sleep, I repeat this cycle. Each time I find myself in the throes of a new memoir, I again read through the night. All the while, I tell my husband, “One more chapter.”

Financial Hardship

Memoirs are expensive. Because of the speed at which I, a memoir addict, go through these stories, this can bring financial hardship if I am not careful. While libraries are an option, there is an allure to the option of owning books. Even though I get most of my books from the library, late fees often plague my life because of the forgetfulness caused by my sleep deprivation.

Relationship Problems

Time seems to stop while reading a great memoir. Sadly, it doesn’t. Despite the fact that hours feel like minutes while reading, those hours are still lost. So is the time with my loved ones. Although my husband has his own independent hobbies, I can find myself engrossed in a memoir (and talking about memoirs) for long periods of time. While I may sometimes feel some sense of guilt over this missed time with my husband, especially, I am often so preoccupied with the lives of those in my memoirs that I hardly notice.

My husband, friends, and other family may feel neglected while I am spending time reading. They may feel they come second to my love for memoirs when all I talk about are memoirs. This can lead to distance and difficulties in those relationships, as I am often oblivious to the fact that he or she is being distant. When reading, I may often have delayed responses, as it takes five to ten seconds for my mind to process anything outside of my books. This can lead to my husband feeling ignored and unimportant, especially if what he’s trying to say is more important than my latest book. If not intentionally combated with some time away from memoirs, memoir addiction can lead to relationship problems.

Where to Get Help

I sure wish I knew. I’m sure there’s a book about that somewhere. Perhaps I could find a memoir about it!

Please note that this article is an exaggeration, and does not accurately reflect the exact state of my life and my relationship with my husband, despite the “nuggets” of truth to it.

On Living

I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

After my friend Darbi sent me this article on Kerry Egan, the author of On Living, I quickly added the book to my “need to read” list. Because of my calling and desire to train to become a hospice chaplain, the insight from another female hospice chaplain was one that I could not pass up.

In On Living, Egan reflects on the patients she has cared for and her personal growth during her years as a hospice chaplain. Some of her stories are terribly heartbreaking. One young man was so crippled and unable to speak that Egan could not bring herself to visit a second time and was haunted by her failure to return like she had promised him she would. Another man dying of cancer held onto hope he would receive a transplant that would never happen.

Despite the heartbreak she experiences at work, most of her work is enjoyable or mundane. Because of the perception that working with “the dying” is morbid, friends are reluctant to hear her stories from work. However, she often has funny stories that are appropriate to share, even at parties. She once received criticism from an acquaintance about the validity of chaplaincy being an actual job after she explained what she had done that day. In reality, many days are mundane: talking to patients about family and being present with them. Despite how others may feel about her job, chaplaincy is an important part of end of life care.

Kerry Egan’s beliefs were very different than my own.

Despite finding this book enjoyable, I found several areas of disagreement. The biggest were her beliefs on salvation. Egan is a Christian chaplain, yet she criticizes the belief that you must be “saved” in order to have a relationship with God. While it did not appear to be her intention, she does seem to poke fun at Christians talking about the day they were saved. She said that when she wants some of the Evangelical patients to have a better day, she asks them to tell her about the day they got saved. She said it is always interesting to listen to, even if she doesn’t agree with it. When another patient said she was the reincarnation of Joan of Ark, Egan wrote that she could not say for sure reincarnation was not real. It left me with a lot of questions about what exactly she believes.

The other major area I felt Egan and I differed was in our beliefs on angels and demons. She had one patient who claimed to be possessed by a demon. Egan wrote that she sympathetically listened to the patient. She then provided spiritual resources for her, despite the fact she knew demons weren’t real. After the patient had her exorcism, Egan believed in demons, but her unbelief in them beforehand was strange to me. Later, when a patient told her that every person was assigned a guardian angel at birth, Egan pretty much wrote, “Yeah, that seems possible.” While I think it’s possible she started to realize that those nearing death might know things she did not, I found her sudden belief strange.

Despite theological differences, I found many positives in On Living.

She wrote about the gray area that all chaplains have to live in. I was able to get a feel for the balance that a chaplain has to have in order to do the job. Although I have thought about it on occasion, reading about her experiences and some of the services she has provided for patients with beliefs different from her own has really allowed me to think about what I believe and how I will balance those beliefs while serving those within my care. Chaplains live in a gray area, and that’s okay.

Another major positive that I found was that she shared her regrets with readers. The story of the man so crippled from an accident that she did not want to be near him was horrifying. Yet it made me think about times that the pain of others has made me uncomfortable. Just as she did, I learned the importance of being present with others in the worst of pain. I do not want to regret leaving someone in the throes of pain.

Quick Review:

This book is not what I was expecting it to be. I was hoping for someone more theologically similar to me. Despite our differences, though, Kerry Egan’s On Living is a very touching look into the life of a hospice chaplain. A few uses of profanity aside, she writes excellently about life among those who are dying. The stories within its pages will make you laugh and cry. Kerry Egan’s On Living is a good book about a unique job.

Diamonds at Dinner

I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

Within a few pages of starting Diamonds at Dinner, I was captivated by the story that author Hilda Newman laid out. Throughout the pages of this memoir written at the age of 97, she reflects on the memories of her early adult years working in a stately home as a lady’s maid.

Diamonds at Dinner by Hilda Newman with Tim Tate

In her early teenage years, Hilda’s family helped her get an apprenticeship with a seamstress. After paying the fee to allow her to learn from the seamstress and studying under her for four years, the seamstress died suddenly. At the age of nineteen, with full training as a seamstress but no job, Hilda began to work at a hotel. A friend mentioned that with her training she might make a good lady’s maid for one of the aristocracy. Intrigued and excited about this idea, she talked to her parents and wrote letters to two ladies hiring lady’s maids. When one wrote back and eventually hired her, she went to live at Croome Court. There, she became the lady’s maid for the Countess of Coventry, Nesta Donne Phillips.

She found the work to be difficult, although her new employer was kinder than many others. Despite some harsh reprimands, Hilda felt that she and the Countess had built up a bond. She even believed that the Countess had a fondness for her. When the Countess had gotten into an accident, she asked only to be attended to by Hilda while they waited on the doctor. At Christmas, Hilda received a broach from the Countess. Unfortunately, the second World War meant the end of Hilda’s working at Croome Court and the closing of that chapter in her life.

Hilda Newman’s memoir may be one of my favorites that I’ve read in a long time.

I will admit that historical biographies are not typically my favorite. If there are too many dates and names, I feel my eyes glazing over. However, this memoir captured my attention and had me enthusiastically chatting about it to my husband. While I tell him about the plots of most of the books I read, I frequently found myself saying, “This is one of the best books I’ve ever read!”

Finally, after having said that for about the fiftieth time, my husband asked exactly what made it so great. After reflecting further, I believe that four things made this memoir especially good:

It was excellently written. The story was organized and edited together well. I thought that the writing style was both warm and readable, which is hard to find in many memoirs. Although reading British English can sometimes take a few pages to adjust to, that is only a minor thing. By the end of the book, it ends up being part of the charm.
It was clean. Despite writing about the war, there was no swearing or explicit content.
Hilda was very lovable. There are a lot of memoirs I enjoy, despite not liking the person the memoir is about. I enjoyed this book so much more because Hilda was very easy to love. It was easy to imagine her as both the young woman my age and the 97-year-old woman writing the book.
The story was interesting. She wrote about a world I did not know about. Her perspectives on the wars, Hitler, and the changes in the last seventy years are so interesting because she has lived through all of those things. Even if I focus solely on her work as a lady’s maid, she wrote plenty to pique my interest.

Quick Review:

If you are looking for an interesting read about those serving the English aristocracy in the 1930’s, Diamonds at Dinner by Hilda Newman is the perfect book. It is a charming story written by a lovable woman about a very interesting time in history. Even though it handles issues like poverty and war, it does them in a clean and dignified way, making this book suitable for teens as well as adults. Best of all, the reader does not need to sacrifice good writing for good content in this book. It really is one to read.